The Upsides of Not Speaking Chinese

Category: Other News
Published: Saturday, 06 August 2011 18:55

It's a good general rule of thumb that when moving to a foreign country in which your native language is not spoken, you should try and learn that language. Alas, that doesn't always happen, especially if you move to a country where the commonly spoken language is notoriously difficult – ie. China. But lest you fear that you're doomed to a life of ridicule and isolation if your putonghua is not up to snuff. There are actually some unexpected perks of not speaking Chinese. Read on for the ways in which being blissfully ignorant can be, well, blissful.

1) You walk through security lines without understanding whether the guards are yelling at you

That line’s not for me, is it?
That line’s not for me, is it? Photo: travelpod.com

Next time you're walking through the security line in the metro, take a look at all those people stopping, putting their bags on the X-ray conveyor belt, then picking them up before heading through the turnstile. Then notice that you walk straight through the turnstile without bothering to do any of the above. Why? Because if (when?) the security guards are yelling at you to stop and submit your bag to the security check, you simply don't understand. And with the way people here tend to raise their voices even when they're talking about something as benign as the weather, you really can't tell whether they're yelling at you or complimenting you on your shoes.

 

2) You don't realize when Chinese men are crudely “hitting” on you

I've witnessed it many times – you're walking down the street and a man (usually on a speeding motorbike) will yell out to you in that voice and give you that look – you know, the voice that indicates he's saying something incredibly lewd and the face that backs up that suspicion. Said in your native tongue, what he said might have left you feeling degraded or angry. Perhaps he would have even been treated to a swift pop in the face. But here, well, who knows what he said? Sure, you get the general idea, but now you can just shrug it off with a simple “Hmm, I'm sure that was offensive. I wonder what I'll have for lunch today?”

3) You have a sense of quiet in an often (very) loud world

Where your mind is when stuck in the subway
Where your mind is when stuck in the subway
Photo: flickriver.com

It's amazing how much easier it is to block out the sounds coming from every direction if it's a language you don't understand. Go to any crowded marketplace, metro or restaurant and you can achieve a delightful sort of zen feeling by simply tuning out the chatter around you. If you could understand what was being said, you'd no doubt spend your time catching snatches of conversation and being constantly drawn in to the various goings-on. But you, in your ignorant bliss, don't hear words but sounds – a pleasant type of background noise to support your own thoughts.

4) You're immune to telemarketers

This is perhaps my favourite excuse for not learning Chinese. Telemarketers inevitably get a hold of your cell phone number and begin calling. That's OK, because as soon as you answer and they begin speaking in Chinese, you know they're telemarketers, and can therefore respond with the appropriate “Ting bu dong.” Often they get a bit flustered, and begin speaking again – only this time, much... more... slowly. Amazingly, after my second “Ting bu dong,” the telemarketers realise they can speak at any speed and I still wouldn't understand them. I'm always perfectly pleasant, gladly telling them “Ting bu dong” until they get annoyed and hang up on their own. In my home country you couldn't annoy a telemarketer if you tried – but apparently here I've got it down to a science.

5) You take absolutely no responsibility for directions or maps

If I can’t see them, maybe they’ll go away
If I can’t see them, maybe they’ll go away
Photo: middlekingdomlife.com

Need to ask someone for directions? Don't look at me – I can't help you. Need to find a place on the map? Sorry, I have no idea how to read Chinese characters. This essentially renders me a child and enables me to take absolutely no responsibility towards locating or getting to a final destination. It's even better when the person you're with accidentally gets you both lost. Then, after wandering for hours, you can say with innocent solemnity, “I think we're lost.”

Aug 06, 2011By Andrea Scarlatelli, eChinacities.com